Then life went on. Can I call it ‘life’?
“Why not go out for a little walk? Go to another doctor,
Dona Mariana. They all speak well of Cardónio Santos. My sister who God has
with her in heaven…….. Everyone has a cross to bear…..But there are people,
people…………..a little roasted rabbit, Dona Mariana? How about a little roasted
rabbit?”
“I love roast rabbit, Dona Gloria. I’d die for a little
roasted rabbit.”
In the end I went to see Dr. Cardónio, one of those
individuals who never ever err in their diagnosis. I wanted to know. And now
I’m waiting. I don’t do any more tests and I don’t go and see any more doctors.
What for if I’m going to die in a month or two from now? I know that I can’t
expect anything more from life, and so I want to feel calm. I want…..It is my
end, my only death. I can’t chose any other, there is none other for me. For
the first time someone has come to look for me, someone is searching me out.
Why should I not be happy, me the chosen one?
I cannot feel happy. I feel violated and virgin. There are
many things inside of me, yet I’m completely empty. Empty because even hope has
gone. Hope, but not my desire to live. Even in this room which has a bad smell that I no longer even
notice, even with António far away from me and Fernandinho kissing a mother who
is not me, even so I want to live.
Yet life is ebbing away ever more every day, ebbing away
without my ever having lived it.
No longer do I get up. I haven’t the strength to do it. Dona
Gloria came today to sit in the old chair and spoke for half an hour. I don’t
know what she said because all her words slid away without entering my head.
“Don’t you think, Dona Mariana, don’t you think that it
would be much better?”
I didn’t know what she was talking about but I nodded
affirmatively. It made her very happy.
“It’s for the best Dona Mariana, for the best. There, you’ll
have everything. And do not worry, I’ve already spoken to a nurse from Santa
Marta Hospital. She is a wonderful lady, a jewel, very reliable. She
immediately spoke to them about you, to do what is required.
I could say no, but what for? Dona Gloria was in her house, her castle,
after all. Luísa was right. How could I……? Without opening my eyes I simply
said to her:
“Santa Teresinha will not be cross with you, Dona Gloria? Do
you remember that you asked her that I might stay?”
“It’s for your own good, Dona Mariana, for your own good…….”
“Well, in that case……..”
Today I’m going to the hospital. I thought that I could die
in this room, but I can’t. I put the picture in the suitcase. Maybe they’ll let
me look at it, I don’t know. Dona Gloria dressed me as if I were already dead.
She put my feather hat on my head, wrapped me up in my coat, made me put on
some stockings of hers, because mine all had holes in them. We’re both of us
waiting for the taxi that Augusta has gone to fetch. It’s as if both of us are
at my burial.
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